Writings Off The Wall

Rodomontades, Balderdash, and Inwits

This is My Confession… (no E.Lynn)*

with 6 comments


I have an admission to make that has been weighing on me lately and I’ve finally decided to come out of the closet address it publicly. I have watched Dancing With The Stars on 4 occasions this year. Pray for me. Jesus be a Nielsen box.

Do men actually watch this show? Let me rephrase that…. do STRAIGHT men actually watch this show? Hey, I know dancing is not a feminine activity. Hell, I just wrote about missing the slow dance a few entries ago. I am an appreciator of the fine art of dancing. I will have you know that I can’t even count the number of times I’ve watched Nelly’s “Tip Drill” video or the amount of money I’ve spent watching a terpsichorean move about a shiny metallic pole… I think her name was Mocha Delight. I have even promised my lady that I’d take salsa lessons with her on three conditions: 1) That I don’t have to prance around like a gay Mexican cowboy; 2) that I don’t have to wear sequins; and 3) that she has to dress exactly like an Afro-Brazilian at the Rio Carnival.

So, as you can see, I clearly like dancing. It has been rumored that my trademark move was the inspiration for Cassidy’s song “My Drink and My Two-Step.” And I’ll have you know that I have worn fat laces and done backspins on a cut-up cardboard box that once housed the family’s new TV. Sure, my taste is more Breakin’ than Fame, but dancing ’tis dancing… ’tis not?

Admittedly, I didn’t start watching Dancing with the Stars on my own volition. But persuasion by the opposite sex is quite persuasive. And the fact that Lawrence Taylor was on the show made me feel a little better. I mean, if he is jumping around on TV, then clearly this isn’t dancing… it’s just a co-ed New York Giants’ game on a stage without pads. I can drink a beer to that. But then I saw tough azz LT prancing. Pigs shall soon fly, no doubt. And then David Alan Grier showed up, and this worried me more. Aside from the fact that his smirk makes him look like the Black gay Grinch who stole Kwanzaa, his most famous role on In Living Color suddenly became so much clearer. Hindsight w/ Lasik clear.

But then I saw someone that forced me to watch the show beyond that first episode: Lil’ Kim. Holy Collagen, Batman! Yes, I know the Queen Bee is a felon. Yes, I know that she has had more surgeries than the red-nosed fellow in that Milton Bradley game Operation. Yes, I am aware that the hoodrat from Brooklyn now looks like the love child of Michael Jackson and a Bratz doll. But I simply do not care. Watching her dance is a beautiful thing… she’s got skillz. The ghetto jump-off has actually managed to seduce me while dancing with another dude… this is no small feat. I know her body measurements have been inflated like the 2005 real estate market, but I don’t care one iota. Watching that big ol’ implanted booty, those siliconed milk puppies, and those Angelina Hoe-lee lips cavorting about to dances I’ve never heard of from Argentina is quite the spectacle. Plus, this is the girl who rapped that she has “buffoons eating her [cat] while she watches cartoons.” How can you NOT love her??

So there, I’ve admitted it. I’ve watched Dancing with the Stars more than once, and will probably see it again as long as Lil Kim is on. For those of you who think less of me, you can kiss my black Rumba.

*this is Black folks’ equivalent of “no homo” and “no brokeback” as discussed in the Treehouse comments


Written by offdwall

April 22, 2009 at 7:57 am

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. “Jesus be a Nielsen box.”

    LMAO. How on earth did you write this this fast? I am kilt..

    And no, I dont’ think striaght men watch it.. lol. I’m a straight woman and don’t watch!

    Nicki Sunshine

    April 22, 2009 at 11:32 am

  2. You are so hilarious!

    But seriously, I wouldn’t put DWTS in the category of shows that may make you suspect… It’s all about liking dancing. I watch the show religiously because I love dancing in all its form (I also watch American’s Best Breakdancin’ Crew religiously)… I understand the need.

    The real E.Lynn brothers won’t even be able to admit that. So you’re safe. 😀

    Ms. Sula

    April 22, 2009 at 12:11 pm

  3. Actually Offy, my Dad used to watch it with my Mom. And there are plenty of other men who peep this show. It is okay…and quite entertaining to see some hulking football player getting his Waltz and Cha Cha on. Especially the ones who do it quite well!

    DEAD @ Alan Grier = The Black Gay Grinch.

    I quit you!


    April 22, 2009 at 12:37 pm

  4. @ Nicki: I had this up this morning, but changed the title after the Treehouse discussion. lol

    @ Sula: Merci!

    @ Jada: Yeah, I watch it with my lady too. In those cases, all questions of “E.Lynness” go out the window.


    April 22, 2009 at 12:58 pm

  5. Straight male (ya know this) … I watch SATC, Girlfriends, The Game, American Idol and The Bachelor … Still No E. Lynn.

    I proud of those things.

    I am however ashamed to admit that I still laugh every time I see the credit card swipe in the “Tip Drill” video. Sorry, that’s good humor to me, as well as a woman who doesn’t know herself or her self-worth.


    April 22, 2009 at 1:59 pm

  6. […] get pedicures, take yoga, heart romantic comedies, enjoy perusing their local malls, or be a fan of “Dancing With The Stars” without a “No Homo” […]

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