Writings Off The Wall

Rodomontades, Balderdash, and Inwits

An Ode to my Foreman Grill

with 5 comments


Imagine my surprise a few years back when I learned that the money George Foremen received to sponsor the now infamous Foreman Grill was one of the largest sponsorship deals in history. Yes, larger than Tiger Woods with Buick or Gatorade. Even larger than his Airness received with Nike. The only deal larger than Foreman’s is David Beckham’s deal with Adidas… ain’t it amazing what a symmetrical face will get one nowadays?? Though, I suppose it should surprise no one since he married a Spice Girl – whom every white man wanted to bone and every white woman wanted to be – and even Black women who vow to never date outside their race often caveat such assertions with “But that Beckham could get it. I’ll show that Brit how to bend it…”

Naturally, like all things that have an enduring popularity, I swore never to be a fan (see iPod, the Dallas Cowboys, and Wii). And naturally, I have an iPod, a Wii, and I even rooted for the Cowboys once. So in keeping with my tradition of purchasing things I hate only because everyone else loves them, I bought a Foreman Grill years ago. And it was love and adulation at first heating. While I never became the expert that Jadakiss professed to be — he once rhymed that he could make crack on a Foreman Grill; I don’t have that skill or even the cocaine to get started… but I do have baking soda and water… not that I know the recipe for crack or anything — I have been known to make a perfectly grilled chicken breast on le gril de Foreman.

In fact, old Grilly and I shared many a culinary adventure or bored weeknights, and afternoons while downing glasses of 12-yr old Guyanese El Dorado Rum. There was that time I grilled to perfection those onions and peppers in olive oil and oregano to go with Italian sausage. And the time I tried to convince a hottie that the grill could be used to make S’mores. (By the way, it can’t. Bet lost.) And the time I tried to grill a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it just sounds good, only to end up with caramelized strawberry preserve on that so-called non-stick surface. Yep, old Grilly and I had a great time together.

And I use the past tense because my Foreman Grill died on me this weekend. It all happened so unexpectedly; I’m still a bit shook up from it. See, I plugged Grilly in like I always do, but this time, that orange light… that beautiful, sweet orange light that foretells of hot meat to soon be enjoyed… did not respond. No matter how I plugged and unplugged, reset and retried electrical sockets, and utilized the tried and true method of American handymen everywhere by beating it and cursing at it, old Grilly was not responding. I guess it had the big one and went to join Elizabeth in that big blue sky… with strawberry preserve on its back. The big dummy.

No more effortless grilled shrimp. No more strips of red meat with the bovine blubber draining out of its slanted countenance. No late night, drunken experimentation courtesy of questions that begin with a smirk and an “I wonder what would happen if….”

So to commemorate the years of service and friendship that grill has provided to me, I will do what every man does when losing a love of his life:

I shall write a limerick.

There once was a grill from Nantucket

There was once was a grill by George Foreman
Wore white like a hospital corpsman
       When put to the test
        It choked on fowl breast
Knocked out, now my mouthpiece is mournin’.

Farewell, dear friend. Grilled Smuckers just won’t be the same without you.


Written by offdwall

April 20, 2009 at 7:33 am

Posted in Uncategorized

5 Responses

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  1. I am so dead at the rhyme to ole Georgy! But I understand. *Hangs head in moment of silence*. I had a purple Foreman grill in undergrad and boy if me and that thing didn’t have a good ole time together. Especially since I had dropped my meal plan. Here’s to all the great meals you and George shared. RIP.


    April 20, 2009 at 8:35 am

  2. Hmmm…I think I’m gonna head to Target and buy one at my break…I’ve been wanting one.

    You crack me up by the way…


    April 20, 2009 at 9:22 am

  3. Hilarious!:lol:

    But I know how you feel… I have an unmentionable love affair with my Foreman grill. Like, I’ll make up recipes just so I can use it (grilled strawberries sauce anybody?). It’s just so practical and easy and effortless…

    Last night, I had planned to make some lasagna… I had the ground beef defrosted and everything.When I got home past 9pm… slaving over some tomato sauce and all that didn’t seem appealing at all… Guess what happened? Yup, you guessed it! We ended up having homemade delicious burgers from the Foreman grill… Total cooking time: 20mns (including prepping the meat!!!)

    Ok, so I love my grill a lil’ bit much (or any kitchen gadget for that matters) but it truly is worth it.

    Get a new one. 🙂

    Ms. Sula

    April 21, 2009 at 12:23 pm

  4. I love love love my GF grill. It makes the best grilled cheese sammiches.
    I’m pouring holy water on mine now. He better not try to leave me now!


    April 21, 2009 at 6:46 pm

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    Abe Wischner

    February 28, 2010 at 9:28 am

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