Writings Off The Wall

Rodomontades, Balderdash, and Inwits

Legumes and Fibers and Pears, Oh My!

with 5 comments


Recently, the news, magazines, and talk shows have been replete with warnings against the dangers of foods high in trans fat and LDL. These ominous declarations have us all looking at the back of boxes and containers assessing just how bad those Oreos are, how much sodium is in Kung Pao chicken, and how much saturated fat is in Fergie’s Botox’d bottom lip. I’ll even admit that I’ve gone online to check the calories in my favorite beers, and cringed like a gay dude at mismatched drapes when I discovered Blue Moon Belgian White Ale was 270 calories a bottle.

We all need to be more conscious of what we stuff in our mouths. We need to eat healthy foods like peanut butter which has the good fat, and more vegetables like spinach and tomatoes, and more nuts like pistachios. The problem is ALL those things in the last year have been recalled for salmonella! So let me get this right: eat unhealthy food and die a slow death, or eat healthy food and get poisoned by old rat poop and dead cockroaches in nut sacks bags of nuts. And then it was confirmed recently that my favorite food in the world – a thick, lean slab of medium rare beef – shortens your lifespan. Basically, we can’t eat shyt but rice cakes and lettuce.

But here is the stark reality of healthy eating: it costs money to eat right. I recently went to the grocery store and decided to shop with my healthy hat on. My grocery bill was about 175% MORE than normal! Fortunately, I’m in a position where I can afford it, but my case isn’t everyone’s situation, especially in this economy. Now, if I was a conspiracy theorist, I’d be screamin’ how this is all a scam to increase the profitability of the local Stop&Shop or Food Lion. Or worse, let the poor people die from obesity and heart disease, while the affluent live longer lives thanks to crabgrass smoothies and health insurance. You know, I can go to Burger King with a dollar and roll out with a big azz burger. If I take a dollar to the grocery store, I leave with a mango the size of my fist. But if take that same dollar to the grocery store, and leave the healthy hat in the closet, I could leave with 8 packs of Top Ramen or 3 packs of store brand shoestring french fries. That is so unfair that even Rod Blagojevich would say, “Now see, that just ain’t right.”

Quite the dilemma, n’est-ce pas? Well, I am firm believer in having one’s cake and eating same said cake as well. So, in an effort to eat healthier, I replaced my regular bacon with turkey bacon. I replaced my beer with red wine. I replaced by lunch courtesy of the second floor vending machine with grocery store-bought Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers. That late night snack is now the heavenly citric delight of ruby red grapefruit. I admit that I do feel better and not as sluggish at the end of the day. And of course, exercise is paramount.

But I simply refuse to live my life in a Whole Foods bubble. I refuse to walk around like some granola-eating vegan who drives a Prius and only bathes once a week because “the earth is dying of thirst.” I am definitely eating healthier, but I give myself one day a week to indulge. And that day is Saturday. I eat whatever “da hells I wants” on Saturday. That means 1 pound burritos from Chipotle, 6 packs of Blue Moon or Sam Adams, and some big slices of country cut pork bacon. No baby spinach salads with olive oil and lemon juice on Saturdays. Nope, I’m eating pig skins drenched in Texas Pete. These lapses in a healthy lifestyle may shorten my days by some weeks or months, but life is lived to be enjoyed. I would rather live until 75 and enjoy life, than live to 80 eating like Bugs Bunny.

Besides, even God took a day of rest. So surely, I can enjoy the pleasures of cow meat from time to time. Forget Justin Timberlake, Bessie the Heifer has the SexyBack I’m checking for…


Written by offdwall

April 3, 2009 at 8:11 am

Posted in Uncategorized

5 Responses

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  1. I’ve been trying the same thing… eating healthy during the week and indulging on the weekends. So far… it is working.


    April 3, 2009 at 9:07 am

  2. I’m not gonna be able to do the whole foods and organic nonsense. lol. I’ll just continue to say my blessing as I inhale a cheeseburger.

    Nicki Sunshine

    April 3, 2009 at 9:18 am

  3. @ kbnky: Yeah, it works. Exercise is key.

    @Nicki: And this is why you’re hot! LOL


    April 3, 2009 at 9:21 am

  4. I love how you write offdwall…not sure if you’ve noticed in some of the comments..I just love when people are able to write well. And I must say, this is a well-written blog. Love it. You made me laugh and conveyed your point without losing me. I think my favorite line was “how much saturated fat is in Fergie’s Botox’d bottom lip.”

    But on a serious note…yeah, it can be pricey to eat healthy but you have to learn to shop smart and remember, the pricier items tend to be in the aisles. Shopping the perimeters (veggies, protein, and dairy) then the aisles last. Cook your own food and plan your meals on the weekends saves time. Produce tends to be cheaper than aisle foods. And the aisle foods have a lot of sodium…something else that’ll kill you in large quantities.

    Anyway, I know you didn’t ask me…but I like to give helpful suggestions where I can. 🙂


    April 3, 2009 at 3:06 pm

    • First off, thank you much for the compliment. I’m a Leo so I never tire of hearing them. LOL

      I have gone through produce aisle, but I see things like $1 mangos and $2 grapefruits. That makes me want to heave! But I get them anyway… I am in total agreement that that is where the health is.


      April 6, 2009 at 8:58 am

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