Writings Off The Wall

Rodomontades, Balderdash, and Inwits

Break-up to weird-out

with 6 comments

I’ve seen a lot of blogs talking about Kanye West and his new squeeze Amber Rose. As a man who despises all the celebrity websites and TV shows more than okra, I admit that the latest news of the two posing together nude for a photo shoot actually made me click on the Google News link to the article reporting it. I don’t think the woman is all that attractive, but she would probably say the same thing about me. So touche’… score one for the blonde. I will say this though, she is a veritable brickhouse from the waist down and is thick in thighs; not surprisingly, that’s the same way I like my baked chicken.

But what strikes me most is how she has made Kanye even weirder. Of course, Kanye has always been a few Easter eggs short of a hunt, but now he’s brought his Easter eggs to the great pumpkin patch, Charlie Brown. To pose drawless like Squidward from SpongeBob is even a bit outlandish for a guy who wears pink Nikes and shades the size of an SUV windshield. It’s been well-chronicled that Erykah Badu is infamous for taking the stoic rapper and turning him into a ghetto Socrates who wears saddle shoes and drinks wheatgrass cappuccinos. But Kanye got Badu’d without even having the fortune, good or otherwise, to do the do with Badu. In other words, he got Ba-did even though he Ba-didn’t.

I suppose love is funny like that. It’s been my experience that when the attractive woman with long flowing hair gets her heart broken, one of her first inclinations is to cut her hair and either go natural or T-Boz. For men, I’d always thought the natural response to heartbreak was to find an immediate replacement for ephemeral relief. That’s what I did the one time my heart was smashed back in college. I promptly hollered at the alarmingly average girl at the Checkers drive-thru. Apparently for black rappers, the response is to go weird.

Which led me to thinking how I would weird out if I were a rapper with a heartbreak and a Roland TR-808. Assuming that I was rich and didn’t have to worry about repercussions in my career and amongst colleagues, here’s what I’d do:

First, I wouldn’t ever comb my hair, but I’d still use generous applications of pomade. Kanye got a mohawk. Andre got a perm. Common went baldheaded with a beard that looks like the lovechild of Freeway and a Lancaster, PA Quaker. But nobody went nappy. I’ve got that ethnic hair that balls up when left unattended. After getting out the pool and left to dry on it own devices, my hair can best be described by the MJG lyric “my hair is getting nappy as the a$s of a sheep.” I’d have the shiny-nap-do on lockdown; James Evans would have nothing on me.

Second, I’d make a whole rap album where not a single bar rhymed like Son of Bazerk’s track on the Juice soundtrack. The album cover would have me dressed in alpaca fur standing next to a bald alpaca. It would be full of rodomontade and I’d ridicule everyone who hated on it for being “shallow like a kiddie pool, yet with twice the urine.” It would be awesome.

Lastly, I’d have to find a new weird chick to date that can understand and appreciate my newfound depth. And who is weirder than the waitresses at Waffle House?? I’d have a whole roster of them and they’d answer the phone like, “What ya need hun?”

In all honesty, I’m not sure if I’d follow each of the above to the letter, less the alpaca thing… there’s promise there. But I really would love to throw off the confines of professionalism for a bit. I actually don’t know how I’d express myself if I only had to worry about happiness and not paychecks. Suffice it to say, Gloria from the I-85 Waffle House and I wouldn’t be posing sans vêtements.


Written by offdwall

March 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Kanye has certainly gotten weirder these past few months. I think it has everything to do with the loss of his mother. I honestly think he needs some help. But the industry doesn’t really care about the mental stability of folks as long as they keep making hits, and keep making money. I feel sorry for him.

    BTW…whachu know about I-85? What state are you from?


    March 13, 2009 at 8:46 am

    • I’m from N. Cackalacka! I know all about the I-85 Waffle Houses. LOL


      March 13, 2009 at 9:17 am

  2. “Common went baldheaded with a beard that looks like the lovechild of Freeway and a Lancaster, PA Quaker”

    Why must i cry!!!!


    March 13, 2009 at 9:56 am

  3. @ Offdwall

    I’m in NC too! And I hate the Waffle Houses cause all the workers look dirty all the time!


    March 23, 2009 at 8:15 am

  4. I swear I just died and went to the best heaven there is.

    Kanye has gotten to be stranger and stranger. I am not really sure what the deal is with him and this chick.

    Last chick he was serious about looked wholesome like CBG…nothing majorly wrong with her you know?

    But like…this foolishness talking about posing nude…makes me unsure..about his sanity


    March 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

  5. I respect Kanye’s “crazy”. I’m actually slightly jealous that he gets to REALLY be who he wants.

    If I were a rockstar, I would definitely WILD OUT! I actually think it would be very freeing.

    I’ve always wanted to be an entertainer. I would go HARD! I just don’t have the talent 😦

    V Renee

    June 4, 2009 at 4:13 pm

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