Writings Off The Wall

Because of my work, I’m a bit of a road warrior frequent flier of the friendly skies. As such, I encounter strange people, new places, and fresh experiences. Here are some observations from my latest jaunt:

Soul Plane

First, I apologize for the stereotypical use of a Snoop Dogg movie to describe an atypical sighting, but I have to make a certain amount of references to things Ebonic-y in order to maintain my Black status.

So guess what I saw at the airport last week. It’s akin to seeing a leprechaun, Bigfoot, or an unprejudiced news report on MSNBC. It’s one of those things that people swear exist, but you have never seen proof of it. I saw a Black FEMALE pilot. It’s true… I swear. She couldn’t have been more than 30 years old and she was all garbed out in pilot attire, walking with one of those rolling black boxes, with a daggum Louis Vuitton bag. My mouth literally dropped open. She wasn’t a hottie, but she was next-door neighbor attractive… ya know, the kind dudes approach, but at the bookstore, not at the club. The type of girl in the neighborhood who is often approached by men who want to brag they are hittin’ a pilot, and who regularly rebuffs such losers. But, in my eyes, she was BAD. I wanted so much to run up to her and get her story, but she was in a real rush. Turns out, she was piloting a DC to Detroit flight. Stereotypical.

The Swine Flu

Now I’m no alarmist, but I do enjoy people’s response to alarmism. Just like any true-blue, red-blooded US citizen, I love sensationalism. How else does one explain the success of Povich paternity testing and Springer antics? How else does one explain the success of Cops and watching horrible singers get lambasted by a Brit with a crew cut on American Idol? How else does one explain the hordes of rubber-neckers tuning into the Vice Presidential debates last year for the imminent 7-car pileup known as Sarah Palin? Sensationalism is as American as apple pie, 3mpg (7 on the highway) Hummers, and that chick who whored herself out to $perm-filled turkey basters and fertility drugs Octomom.

And while I am the first to ridicule people who overreact to the media’s play-up of the H1N1, I also admit that I can’t help but be affected by it. For example, the agent at Dollar Rent-a-Car who was signing out my car for me COUGHED on my keys before giving them to me. And you know what I thought about first??? “This MF just swine flu’d my keys to a Dodge Caliber!” And then there was the old lady with sky blue K-Mart slacks, black socks, and sandals who sat RIGHT BESIDE ME and coughed all out in the open multiple times. Her coughs sounded like a ‘76 Datsun that won’t start and I could smell her breath as she did it. And what did I think? Yep, she just swine flu’d me, my laptop, and all of Gate A1 at Dulles Airport. But what really took the cake was the Black chick I saw walking around with a surgical mask like Michael Jackson and Asian people on the subway. This was hilarious as I’m sure she had probably just returned from a rendezvous with her weekend lover sans latex, but has the nerve to wear a mask at the airport. Last I checked, HIV was deadlier than H1N1… though admittedly I didn’t watch CNN this morning, so who knows.

There I was, laughing at people and their precautions while simultaneously thinking every person that coughed or sneezed has just doomed me to Porky Pig’s prostration.

@ Hotel

I am a frequenter of Hilton hotels, primarily because I once spent 3 weeks at a Hilton and acquired so many points that I’m a preferred member. This means I get the hook-up at every Hilton I go to. Apparently, my preferred status meant quite a bit to the greeter at my last hotel because she HUGGED ME when I checked in AND when I checked out. She was the age of a Wal-Mart greeter and wore those beige nurse shoes that old people love, and she freakin’ wrapped her arms around me when she saw I was an HHonors member. A 76 year old Italian grandma…. Mama mia. Of course, I thought she must have a chocolate fantasy she wanted me to star in. Then I thought she was just one of those overly nice folks who think “people just don’t hug enough.” But then I settled on the fact that she was just trying to give my azz the swine flu like dude at the rental car counter and the chick at Gate A1.

And like the guy who sat beside me on the first leg of my return flight. I’m not sure if you can catch the H1N1 virus from someone who just “cut the cheese,” but such a horrible smell can only emanate from someone who lets a piglet crawl up his azz and die, which this dude surely did.

So, when he “cut one loose,” the pig flew. Wordplay.