Writings Off The Wall

While on Facebook the other day, I came across a couple status messages referencing the recent kidnapping and rescue of an American from Somali pirates water thugs. While seeing such rubbish on Facebook in and of itself isn’t necessarily a surprising development, what was surprising was the ridiculous, pervasive sentiment that can be summed up as “yeah yeah, but think of the pirates.” And to that I say, think of deez nuts.

Much like unicorns and soul mates, pirates are fantastical creatures. They conjure up an image of rebelling against “the man” and risking everything for the right to personal freedom by any means necessary. Think of it as combining Ozzy Osbourne with Malcolm X and Michael Phelps. They are assigned characteristic accoutrements like wooden legs, cursing parrots, knotty-azz beards, and such profound utterances like “Arghh” and “shiver me timbers.” In reality, pirates are nothing but water thugs… boatjackers… square rigging ruffians. Despite some of the historical references that many an op-ed author has tried to tie over the past few days in an attempt to make themselves relevant with incongruent blatherings, these Somalis do not ply an honorable profession.

But leave it to American Black folks to sympathize with these fools. I came across such status updates as “dedicating my status to the pirates from Somalia; there are two sides to every story” or “why hate on those pirates when we should hate on the conditions that made them this way.” Interesting. I think what we should hate on is the irrevocable marriage between the globalization of information and social networking sites that cause me to be exposed to the whimsical one-liners of people who happened to see a headline on CNN.com while searching for who got kicked off of American Idol last night, and then attempt to hold court on an issue while ensuring you make note of the fact that they are doing so from their $400 Blackberry Mobile.

As you have probably surmised, I have no issue with those pirates that hijacked the Maersk Alabama getting popped in the dome by the Navy SEALS. Admittedly, I’m biased… but was I not, I would still have no issue with it. Just as I would have no issue with someone who broke in my house and held my family hostage getting popped by the police. And no issue with someone who carjacks me and ties me up in the trunk getting popped by a state trooper. When you play with guns and big boys, you get cracked across the forehead with something lead with gunpowder propulsion. So cry me a river open ocean about these pirates. Where are the status dedications to drug dealers and their unfair upbringing? Where are the status dedications to seal clubbers and the horrendous economy that forces them to go Barry Bonds on a baby seal’s head? Where are the status dedications to Lil Kim’s breasts and the low self-esteem and chauvinism that caused her to her B-cups to basketball-cups?

Now, I’m not all doom and gloom. I recognize Somalia is a fugged up place, but so is inner city Baltimore and I don’t see any thug azz pirates pulling out of the Inner Harbor with spinning chrome helm. Ok ok, seriously… Somalia is in bad shape. There is no real government, organized crime runs rampant, food is short, conditions are bad, and the big seafaring nations are using Somali waters for dumping waste and fishing the hell out of the claimed economic exclusion zone. Such conditions may steer a young Somali to piracy much like ghetto conditions may steer a young American to grand larceny. And you know what that young person is who has been so steered? A fuggin’ criminal.

The conditions that bring on these crimes are worthy of discussion, especially in the anthropologic and sociologic circles in academia and cocktail parties of the educated masses. But people sleep well at night knowing that after having such discussions, they don’t have to worry about getting kidnapped on that Carnival Cruise line when they decide to celebrate their 10th anniversary of marriage with a trip to the Bahamas.

And you know why? Because some Navy SEALS popped those poor victims of circumstance and Western power hegemony.